In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
