I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
