We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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