woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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