I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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