Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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