I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
