We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
