its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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