I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
