proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
