4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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