The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
