Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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