you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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