ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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