I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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