I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize