I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
