this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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