i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
