Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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