He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He shit in the fireplace
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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