Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
