I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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