Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
