I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
