That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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