Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
