Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
