Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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