I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
