I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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