Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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