Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
