On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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