I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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