Im at strip club and am horny
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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