Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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