He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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