I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
