i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
