Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize