Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
