he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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