i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
