I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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Vodka?
Forever.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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