if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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