Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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