I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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