Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
