Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
