News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize