I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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