separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
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I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
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"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman