Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
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Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
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I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.