Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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