And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was