Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
